It’s pretty hard to address this issue. Because for years I’ve been pushing it to the side. I have been one to procrastinate things. But recently, it’s taken its toll on me.
Recently, I’ve come to terms with the ugly truth: I am suffering from depression.
Sometimes I make stupid mistakes, and take it out on myself. Quite recently, I broke a friend’s trust on a stupid mistake, and now they won’t even look at me.
Even though I apologized, the guilt is eating me alive inside, and all these negative emotions and thoughts are drowning me.
“You’re stupid!” “How could you be so fucking dumb?” “Way to go, dumbass!” “[They’ll] never talk to you again.” “You’re not good enough anyway.” “Why would [they] want to be friends with you? You’re useless.” “You worthless piece of shit!”
These thoughts are on my mind many hours out of the day. Many times, YouTube and my iPod are a great distraction. Even my blog and my video games can stave them off.
But only for so long.
I’ve suffered with depression for years. When I was a kid, I was bullied through elementary school, middle school, and high school. I suffered in silence because if anything, any victim of bullying can tell you that a lot of times, telling an adult will only make things worse.
I know it did for me. So I kept quiet, and suffered in silence.
One day after a Spanish quiz, my body finally succumbed to the stress, and I suffered a pseudo seizure, which is less damaging to your brain, and happens to you while you’re conscious. It’s the physical manifestation of your stress being taken out on your body. Or so my doctor explained to me.
I’ve suffered pseudo seizures before this, but I didn’t know what they were called and they didn’t happen often or for very long. It was a twitchy moment here and there, and then it was done.
When I was in high school, I was ostracized once I decided that I had had enough, and stood up to my bullies. I would sit alone at the lunch table, I had food thrown at me, I was mocked, or no one would acknowledge my existence.
I began cutting myself at age 17. It was on my right arm. My mom and I used to get into a lot of arguments, and with the overwhelming stress from school, crying wasn’t enough anymore.
So one night, I pulled up my sleeve, and using my own fingernails, I scratched into my arm until I bled. And I kept going until I was too tired to do it anymore.
I lied back and felt relief. Some people thought I had a problem, but I always wore long sleeves when the cuts were visible.
I never used a razor because I was scared to cut a vein. I didn’t want to die, I just wanted it to hurt a little less inside. And it helped.
Once I graduated high school, me and my mom would fight all the time.
I contemplated killing myself at one point. I thought about it, but as you can see, it never happened. I’m glad. I guess.
At some point, I began living with my godparents. I told my godmother about what I had been doing to myself. She asked me to stop, and so I did.
I hadn’t cut myself for 5 years.
My mom and I are on better terms. I am more mature, and we see eye to eye more often than not.
My current depression is more…work-stress and relationship-stress oriented.
At first, I didn’t want to cry. Crying was a sign of weakness, I had told myself for years. I tried to listen to K-Pop, because K-Pop always makes me happy.
But that didn’t work.
My video games didn’t work.
Retail therapy didn’t work.
And so, once again, I dragged my nails across my skin, until I saw crimson. But it wasn’t my arms upon which I shed blood, but my legs, so none of my co-workers could see my pain.
I used to smile a lot at work. But now a smile is hard to muster. All I want to do is lie in bed and cry and stuff my face and do everything to avoid socializing.
So that I don’t have to feel.
So it doesn’t have to hurt anymore.
I’m not suicidal. Not anymore.
I don’t want to die.
But I don’t want to hurt either.
What inspired me to write this post, was actually Sojin, from KARA. Depression isn’t funny. It happens, and it hurts, whether you can see it or not.
But please don’t hurt yourself, because it gets better.
I graduated from college, and I got accepted into a University. I’m one step closer to my dream of being an English teacher in Korea.
Depression is my milestone.
It may knock me down and hurt me, but I am stronger than that. It will take time, but I will triumph.
I am more than my depression.
And I deserve happiness.
And so do you.
So don’t give up.
Because I won’t.